I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
