I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
