Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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