I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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