i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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