M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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