You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
