my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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