sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
