this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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