I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
