i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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