The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
they need to just BURY HIM!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
