And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
