Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
