We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
