oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
