nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
