Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
