I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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