in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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