Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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