The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Edward fifth and chaser hands
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
