My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
