Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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