Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
