I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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