seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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