I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
