your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
