no, he came in my armpit
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
