You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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