sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need water and some morals
i believe in u and ur pee
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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