I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
