Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
