There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
