and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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