Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
