Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
how does that bad decision feel?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
