ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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