I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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