In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
