For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
