If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
