Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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