Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
