Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
It's Friday. Sex?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
