There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
