Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
this is an emotional support booty call
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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