I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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