He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
