i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
