Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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