Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
