so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
