Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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