i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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